So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
