the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
