he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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