worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i dont even know how to be here
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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