you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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