I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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