watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
