we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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