Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
