We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
