Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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