The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
