I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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