So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
