my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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