just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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