My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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