I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
