Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
