i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
