there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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