I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
