I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
