so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
