Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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