he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
