I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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