Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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