My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
