If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
soo... how was my night?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
