i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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