You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
