Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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