my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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