if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
