how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
