i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize