happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
