theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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