You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize