There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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