the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
