Yo dont text me then not text me
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
