Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I have fence marks all over my body
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
