Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just blew my weed a kiss
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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