Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize