Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
