your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
