On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
