I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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