you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
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