Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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