i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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