last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
