God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
