he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
