Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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