He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
